I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
