so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
