dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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