Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
