Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's always time for handjobs
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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