Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm passing your future prison.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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