I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
YAS. BRING CRAB.