You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.