i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.