at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
