now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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