I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize