there's paper in my vomit.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
