FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
