Where is the hickey?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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