After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I deserve this hangover.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
