Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
