and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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