I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
