My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
