I think my fart just growled at me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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