I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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