sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
