Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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