Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...