But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...