Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water