3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
