I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
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i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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