Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
