We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
