I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
