there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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