He is such a slut. More and more my type.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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