My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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