Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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