I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's shark week go big or go home
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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