When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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