She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We need a shit load of segways right now
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
