You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
