i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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