She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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