Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
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I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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