Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
