I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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