Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
