we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
