I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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