ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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