Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
