Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
wow bdsm is so cute
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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