there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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