That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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