Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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