roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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