Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
