M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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