just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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