that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
