Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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